Silence is golden… or is it? Because I have been left alone in silence for far too long with my own thoughts. All the words left unsaid swarming around in my head. It is deafening, the sound of silence. And for me, it was the sound of the crickets that filled the emptiness. Those damn crickets. I had always cursed the summer nights filled with that annoying chirping. I never thought that crickets would become the sound of comfort for me. But, at some point I guess you take whatever you can to drown your own voice out.
It is an actual thing I never knew about. It is called intrusive thoughts and it actually plagues a lot of people. That inability to turn your mind off. Its funny, we spend our entire lives trying to turn our minds ON; learn more, see more, do more. And then, here I was trying to turn mine off. If you have ever seen a slideshow, than you know how this feels. Its those quickly switching pictures on those spinning reels. It is really hard to defeat your own mind.
Get out of your own head. That is the phrase I say all the time inside my gym. I have come to understand that we all have these moments of trying to defeat ourselves. Its tough not to get consumed by all the things going on in our own lives or around us and by getting consumed, we start to let these things control us. Today I was reminded that sometimes we have to let ourselves freak out. That we have to be able to give ourselves an outlet otherwise these things become locked in our heads and then they show up unannounced sometimes in the middle of the night. Find your happy place. Happy Gilmore found his happy place and that worked for him. But do what works for you. You have to let it out. So, ask for help. Phone a friend. Write it down. Cry. Stomp your feet. Scream. Throw a tantrum. Throw a book. Read a book. Blast the music. Dance it out. Whatever it is, do it so that when it comes time to turn your mind off, instead of listening to your own voice chirping, you will hear the crickets instead.
Burn bright, little girl, shine red
suppress monsters in your head
stand tall, lift high your shield
these wounds have not yet healed.
Place on yourself not blame
taste the bitterness of his name
find comfort in that which numbs
until tomorrow comes.