Feelings. They are hard. It takes practice to recognize them or identify them. The first time I was asked to describe “how I felt” I had only 5 words to write down, “my insides are on fire”. That was all I could recognize.
“Why are your insides on fire?” I didn’t know.
Because I was angry at what happened to me?
Because I was sad at all that I had lost?
Because I was frustrated with the constant questions?
Because I was confused at what was going to happen?
Because I felt so much and yet the words escaped me. The burning, the constant burning, was telling me something. I just didn’t know what. And it wouldn’t go away.
I needed help. I needed someone to reach inside, and pull my thoughts out. There were too many feelings most days and then none at all on others. But there were never words. I realize now, so many years later, that what we really need in order to stop the burn is to talk about it. But, we often do not allow ourselves to let others listen or we feel like a burden to them. We have to learn to find the words and identify and then break free of the feelings the burn inside us. Sometimes, it takes asking for help and having someone else help us find the words. That’s ok.
I usually have a purpose in my posts and I guess I am taking a long time to get to this one. My blog is called “set your words on fire”. This is not an arbitrary choice of name. My entire journal/healing process started with the 5 words listed above. My insides were on fire. And they stayed on fire for years until I found all the right words to let them out. I share those words with you now, setting them on fire instead. But, I got a lot of help in order to be able to do this. I still ask for help. I have my go to, who knows who she is and usually knows when something is wrong before I am able to admit it to myself. So, do not be afraid to find your own words. To admit when things are bothering you. To admit when you need help. To WANT to help yourself because no one else can if you do not take those first steps. In order to be free, be free of it. Talk it out and set your words on fire, instead of insides.
It is as if this place forces riptides from my eyes.
Talking again, telling this story
as if this happens in library books.
It is like trying to explain
how to drain an ocean
or move a mountain.
And you don’t begin to know where to begin.
It would be easier to let them step inside
and make them see the fire burning,
singeing every word before it can be said.
But here I go again,
trying to speak and staring at the wall
to avoid looking in any faces.
“My insides are on fire,
and I need to make it stop”