Category: poems

Hello everyone! It has been a while.  Too long.   I have been thinking a lot lately, too much, in fact, about something that seems relevant in every aspect of life.  We know those famous words “do to others as you would have them do to you.”  But, how many of us actually practice this?

We have all done it; fallen victim to rumors, been part of the rumor mill, hopped on the gossip train, shit talked, been shit talked about, etc.  In 8th grade, there was a rumor that I stuffed my bra.  It’s funny looking back because I was flatter than flat chested.  But, the entire grade heard this rumor and the jokes were eternal.  It was traumatizing at the time and I ended up defending my AA-cup for a month and becoming quite a loner for a period of time because of it.  People can be mean and cruel and at the end of the day, rumors hurt.  This rumor was completely out of left field, and clearly began with mal intent.  Not all gossip works this way.  Sometimes, we just like to chat and in doing so, things can spread around that maybe are not meant to be.  Sometimes, things are overheard that shouldn’t be.  Sometimes, we say things in anger or frustration that maybe we shouldn’t.  Regardless, it happens and in doing so we may say less than nice things about people.  We may hear things about people and tell our friends.  People talk, and sometimes, they shit talk.  And, they also get shit talked about.  But, whether it is a false rumor or gossip that is true, the point stays the same:

“What’s in it for me?”  Really.  When we talk badly about others, what’s in it for us?  Momentarily, perhaps, you feel satisfied.  But feelings don’t change when we talk poorly about others.  In fact, we often feel hurt when others do it to us, so then why do we go back and do it to others?  There is nothing to gain by having others agree with you or validate your opinion.  It is better to be better.  It isn’t easy.  But, at the end of the day you will not like everyone and everyone will not like you.  However, there need not be a competition.   We don’t live our lives to satisfy others.  Just be the best you.  And the best you, isn’t the person talking badly about others even if maybe they talked badly about you.

I do not know

who I will be tomorrow,

or the next day.

I do not know

what obstacles

will be thrown my way.

My yesterdays

are filled with mistakes,

I must confess.

But now I learned

that each coming day

I will be my best.

 

It’s ok to talk to yourself.  Somedays, when you’re alone.  I am not saying to go in public and have full fledged conversations.  This might not go over well with the people around you.  But, sometimes you just have to look at yourself in the mirror and speak… loudly.

I have heard that a good person can look you in the eyes.  Be the type of person who looks people in the eyes.  BUT, be even better.  We can hide so much of ourselves from everyone else.  The only person we cannot hide from is ourselves. So, be the type of person who can look yourself in the eyes.  No one is perfect.  There will be things we are not proud of.  That’s ok.  Accept yourself.  But be who you want to be.

We can all be better.  Sometimes, it takes a lot of work.  But there are always starting points.  When you do good, you feel good.  This is true.  So be better.  Say goodbye to the parts of you that you hide from everyone else.  Do you know why you hide these parts of you, shame.  And if you are ashamed for people to know pieces of you, then its not who you want to be.  So change it.

I went to this cheerleading coaches clinic over the weekend.  Because I am both a cheerleader and a coach.  If you do not know that, now you do.  Two things to be noted:

1)  I took a personality test and I am a strong orange and green.  I cannot really tell you what this means other than I am always late, spontaneous, have exceedingly high expectations, little patience and I am a go getter.  It is pretty cool, honestly, how accurate this little test is. And so, I am sharing it here so you can help to understand who you are:

https://ces-personnel.ca.uky.edu/files/true_colors_test.pdf

2) The quote that was given to us, I find extraordinarily relevant for EVERYONE  “There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others.  Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.”   In other words, exactly what I said above.  No one is perfect, but, if you aren’t happy with who you are, change it.  Overcome your imperfections to the best of your abilities.

I will tell you that I know for certain that change is possible within yourself, that it is important to accept your imperfections in order to be better, and that it is ok to have imperfections in the first place.  We aren’t robots.  We live and we make mistakes.  We learn.  We make decisions.  Sometimes the right ones and sometimes the wrong ones.  These are the things that shape us.  Sometimes, things we have no control over us shape us.  We do not get a say in these things but we DO get a say in who we become afterwards.

I am on a sugar high right now and typing like a madwoman and I am not even sure at this point if this post makes sense.  I slept for like 3 minutes last night, so do not ever judge the girl who relies heavily on sugar and caffeine.  A lot of sugar and caffeine.   You know those ridiculous Costco/BJ’s sized bags of sugar where you are like who the hell buys this much sugar, its 50 pounds, yeah, that’s me buying it…. weekly.   Anyway,  next time you stand in front of the mirror, pep talk yourself.  Decide how you can be happier with the person looking back at you.  Decide what they want or need.  Decide what they do that makes proud.  And, do not be afraid to look yourself in the eyes, and say goodbye to that person, if it isn’t who you want to be.

The flashbacks catch her breath

and the pain settles to her knees

she tries to catch herself

on pieces of memories.

She trips and falls over anger

and lands upon regret

crawls her way through frustration,

forcing herself to forget.

She reaches the corner of fear

and climbs onto her feet

but in the middle of sadness

she goes and takes a seat.

The time begins to pass

by day, then week, then month,

until one day this girl stood up

and finally had enough.

 

Feelings. They are hard.  It takes practice to recognize them or identify them.  The first time I was asked to describe “how I felt” I had only 5 words to write down, “my insides are on fire”.  That was all I could recognize.

“Why are your insides on fire?”  I didn’t know.

Because I was angry at what happened to me?

Because I was sad at all that I had lost?

Because I was frustrated with the constant questions?

Because I was confused at what was going to happen?

Because I felt so much and yet the words escaped me.  The burning, the constant burning, was telling me something.  I just didn’t know what.  And it wouldn’t go away.

I needed help.  I needed someone to reach inside, and pull my thoughts out.  There were too many feelings most days and then none at all on others.  But there were never words.  I realize now, so many years later, that what we really need in order to stop the burn is to talk about it.  But, we often do not allow ourselves to let others listen or we feel like a burden to them.  We have to learn to find the words and identify and then break free of the feelings the burn inside us.  Sometimes, it takes asking for help and having someone else help us find the words.  That’s ok.

I usually have a purpose in my posts and I guess I am taking a long time to get to this one.  My blog is called “set your words on fire”.  This is not an arbitrary choice of name.  My entire journal/healing process started with the 5 words listed above.  My insides were on fire.  And they stayed on fire for years until I found all the right words to let them out.  I share those words with you now, setting them on fire instead.  But, I got a lot of help in order to be able to do this.  I still ask for help.  I have my go to, who knows who she is and usually knows when something is wrong before I am able to admit it to myself.  So, do not be afraid to find your own words.  To admit when things are bothering you.  To admit when you need help.  To WANT to help yourself because no one else can if you do not take those first steps.  In order to be free, be free of it.  Talk it out and set your words on fire, instead of insides.

It is as if this place forces riptides from my eyes.

Talking again, telling this story

as if this happens in library books.

It is like trying to explain

how to drain an ocean

or move a mountain.

And you don’t begin to know where to begin.

It would be easier to let them step inside

and make them see the fire burning,

singeing every word before it can be said.

But here I go again,

trying to speak and staring at the wall

to avoid looking in any faces.

“My insides are on fire,

and I need to make it stop”

 

 

 

 

Silence is golden… or is it?  Because I have been left alone in silence for far too long with my own thoughts.  All the words left unsaid swarming around in my head.  It is deafening, the sound of silence.  And for me, it was the sound of the crickets that filled the emptiness.  Those damn crickets.  I had always cursed the summer nights filled with that annoying chirping.  I never thought that crickets would become the sound of comfort for me.  But, at some point I guess you take whatever you can to drown your own voice out.

It is an actual thing I never knew about.  It is called intrusive thoughts and it actually plagues a lot of people.  That inability to turn your mind off.  Its funny, we spend our entire lives trying to turn our minds ON; learn more, see more, do more.  And then, here I was trying to turn mine off.  If you have ever seen a slideshow, than you know how this feels.  Its those quickly switching pictures on those spinning reels.  It is really hard to defeat your own mind.

Get out of your own head.  That is the phrase I say all the time inside my gym.  I have come to understand that we all have these moments of trying to defeat ourselves.   Its tough not to get consumed by all the things going on in our own lives or around us and by getting consumed, we start to let these things control us.  Today I was reminded that sometimes we have to let ourselves freak out.  That we have to be able to give ourselves an outlet otherwise these things become locked in our heads and then they show up unannounced sometimes in the middle of the night.  Find your happy place.  Happy Gilmore found his happy place and that worked for him.  But do what works for you.  You have to let it out.  So, ask for help.  Phone a friend.  Write it down.  Cry.  Stomp your feet.  Scream.  Throw a tantrum.  Throw a book.  Read a book.  Blast the music.  Dance it out.   Whatever it is, do it so that when it comes time to turn your mind off, instead of listening to your own voice chirping, you will hear the crickets instead.

Burn bright, little girl, shine red

suppress monsters in your head

stand tall, lift high your shield

these wounds have not yet healed.

Place on yourself not blame

taste the bitterness of his name

find comfort in that which numbs

until tomorrow comes.

March 19.  It’s just a day, really.  A box on a calendar.  24 hours.  1,440 minutes.  One sunrise, one sunset.  Or, if you are me, it is the day the world came crashing down around you.  The day that took the ground from beneath my feet and flung me onto my face. And then, left me there.  For a while.

I am proud of the person I have become.  I am no longer ashamed of my past or my lack of say so in it.  I am successful not because of it, but in spite of it.  Amongst this darkness, I found my own light.  But, every March 19, I cry and some other days too for no apparent reason.   Some days I wake up ready to conquer the world.   Sometimes I wake up with the weight of the world on my back.  I have learned to accept this.  I have learned this is ok.  I have learned that overcoming is rising from the ashes.  And rise, I have.

When I walk into a room now, you do not see the past I have overcome, just the person I have become.  I am not a victim to anyone, and I like it that way.  Nothing will ever be erased.  But, it will fade.  And I need this so I can just be Amy, and not that girl that this happened too.

Struggle comes in many shapes and forms.  The choice to overcome it, it is our own.  That is the purpose of all of this.  It is my hope that somewhere along the way, someone might read this story and know that it is ok to fall apart, as long as we learn to pick up our own pieces.  It is my hope that someone might realize that she is not alone.  That there are way too many of us out there.  It is my hope that someone might realize that what happened to her, does not define her.  That she might realize that the darkness does fade, every passing day, except on today.  I hope she knows that it is ok to have March 19’s.  That we do not ALWAYS have to keep it together, and that this does not mean we are still broken.  And I hope maybe my story will show someone that there are plenty of flowers in the garden that bloom from within the shadows.

In her eyes you could see a past

full of broken promises and fear.

She hid the truth inside her.

A secret world filled with things

we know nothing about.

Where time does not exist

and moments play

over and over and over again,

or, not at all.

But deep in her mind

lived a single day

that she revisited now and then.

And occasionally a single tear

struck her cheek

and in its reflection

you could see all her scars.

 

 

Yes, I saw the movie and it was incredible, but that’s not exactly what this is about.  We know that confidence is the driving force behind achievement.  As much as others believe in you, you have to believe in yourself.  It is one of the most important, if not the most important, factor in success.  Confidence is beauty.  But it takes the beast to get there.

Strong women are built from the inside out.  We know this.  Lets first talk CrossFit.  It is much more a mental game than a physical one.  You have to be willing, you have to be determined, you have to be motivated mentally in order to put the work in physically.   The belief in yourself to be able to get through a workout, the push, the driving force, always starts within.  This applies to all things in life; time spent at work, even time at home.

Sometimes we get caught up in competing with each other and we forget that we owe it to each other to be one another’s #1 fans and cheerleaders.  We have to help each other find that confidence.  Empowered women empower women as they say.  So, we need to encourage this in each other.  We break the molds.  We defy those stereotypes.  We are our own source of power.  We are beasts inside the box.  We own it and embrace it even.  But, what about once we walk out those doors….

As I head into tomorrow, or the day my world stood still, I have to remind myself that sometimes, we have to “beast” it in real life.  I had to dig deep and fight.  I had to find the strength in myself I did not know existed.  I had to compile every last ounce of self belief.  And because I had to do this, I know it can be done.

I think we all need the reminder that no matter what “it” is, it can be done.  Once we believe in ourselves, we tend to get sh*t done.  So remember, the secret to life is being beauty and the beast… at exactly the same time.

I am a warrior, I do not rest.

I am a conqueror on a quest.

I am the present, I am the past.

I will accomplish, no questions asked.

I am the emperor, I take the throne.

I have no fear of the unknown.

I am a gladiator, I battle brave.

I am a hero ready to save.

I am resilient, I am tough.

I am a woman, I am enough.

 

That is what we made for breakfast on this freezing snow day.  It was delicious.  Regular french toast dipped in fruity pebbles before getting dropped in the pan.  I am a BIG fan of fruity pebbles.  Huge, actually.  But, there are a lot of things I do not like.  I am not a picky eater, but I can say that there are a lot of foods I have always refused to try or have written off after one taste or even just the sight of it.  At 14, I ate a dry steak one night and decided I hated all meat.  What followed was 13 years as a vegetarian.  And then, one night, I smelled steak grilling and said let me try this again.  I am quite the carnivore now.  I wasted 13 years not eating any meat over one night, one steak.  How ridiculous!

Everything deserves a second chance.  We write off things, sometimes daily, because we are unwilling to try again.  In my gym, I often watch people fail and hear them say they can’t do it.  No! Pick it up and try again!  I have seen friends, even family,  write off people over one disagreement.  I myself have quit something because I wasn’t good the first time I tried it and instantly I claimed to hate it just based on embarrassment.  (It was snowboarding for those who are interested, and yes, I am terrible!).   We have all done it.  But, everything and (almost) everyone deserves a second chance.  (Trust me, there are some unforgivable acts that don’t deserve a second chance, but that’s not what I am talking about here).  I am talking about the second chance we have all been given.  No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  I am talking about the failed attempts we give up on.  I am talking about the people who deserve our forgiveness.  I am talking about a willingness to revisit something and try again.  And, I am talking about steak, which it just so happens, is really, really delicious.

She whispered and said Im sorry
as he slowly turned around.
Her cheeks littered with sadness,
his eyes cast at the ground.
Fast forward five years later,
and an accidental run in.
His dimples appeared at the sight
of the fossiled tears upon her chin.
He took her by the hand
and in silence they agreed.
Sometimes a second chance
is just the thing you need.

And seriously, try the French toast, it’s incredible!

 

I am no stranger to failure.  Sometimes, I have to remind myself, and others of this.  It is great to be defined by your successes.  It is also important to remember how you achieved them.  Long ago,  I learned that if you believe in something, you have to push on.  You will want to give up, you will want to throw in the towel, but you have to be bigger than your fear.  I have learned what you want and what you deserve come only at your own hand (with the help of others).  14 years ago, I did not give up.  14 years ago, my life was changed.  Eventually, you may come to learn about the events that both broke me and then built me.  For now, as I begin this venture into furthering my life through writing, I have to remember that I have faced failures and even more the FEAR of failure countless times.  I have had (what felt like) the world screaming it in my face.  But, I didn’t give up.  And so, fail as I may here I am, sending out pieces of writing to publishers and contests looking for a future in the thing I love to do.  Failure is inevitable.  And I have reminded myself, that I am ok with this.  Because failure means trying again, and eventually, I am bound to get it right.

I’ve waited for the sunlight

staring at the dark clouds above.

Rough waters are surrounding me.

(The wind helps dry the tears.)

The waves crash all around me

but I breathe beneath the wake.

As the deep sea begins to swallow me,

I know not to let go.

Because though it gets unsteady here,

it is temporary.

That is the beauty with this ship,

it has yet to sink.

Soulmates; I bet if I asked 20 people for their definition of a soulmate, I would find that it has a different meaning to each.  Yesterday, I had this very conversation with my best friend.  What if a soulmate wasn’t just someone who you were madly in love with, but someone you could never imagine life without?  Your go to, your support, your #1 fan.  The wake up in the middle of the night and do anything for person.  Two people who belong together.  By this logic, it stands to reason that soulmates do not have to be lovers, but maybe soulmates can be best friends, cousins, siblings, or in this case, brothers.

18 years ago, I met a pair of brothers.  They were inseparable and if you wanted to hang out with one, you had to expect the other was coming along too.  You never minded though because they complimented each other, grounded each other and they were fun.  They remained this way through adult life.  They got jobs together and lived together.  They shared friends.  They shared a life.  And then, one day about two months ago, one of them died.  It was devastating for everyone who knew him, but not nearly as devastating as it was for his brother.  You can not ever imagine life being taken from the person you love and need most.  Especially when your life is entirely built around this person and you have never known life without them.  B was the older brother.  And now, he was gone.  T had never lived a single day without him.  His entire world was ripped apart, as it would be for anyone in that situation.  He had family, and he had friends, but he didn’t have his brother.

Today, I found out T has passed.  Little brother and big brother reunited once again.  Two months of separation but now eternity together.  The way they would have wanted.  The way it has always been.  Because maybe soulmates can be brothers, and soulmates can’t be kept apart.

Lonely little daisy

swaying in the wind.

Your delicate white petals

look as though they’ve thinned.

Maybe you’ve been crying

or given a small pluck.

A game of “loves me not”

could have changed your luck.

You’re slowly wilting over

and your leans not to the sun.

Your head bows toward darkness,

shamed and not brazen.

I bet you have a story

that’s too sad to tell

a broken stem, a missing leaf

the reasons that you fell.

We’re not so very different

the ones they couldn’t save.

Together now we both stand

alone above his grave.

 

To BS and TS may you always find yourselves side by side.