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The Clock

With his hands alone, the clock moves.  He does not look around to see where the rest of the world is going.  He keeps moving forward.  He relies only on himself.  He does not forget where he started.  He does not know where he will end.  And he does not care.  He keeps moving forward.  He does not know fear.  He takes it second by second and then minute by minute.  He does not worry about where he will be tomorrow.  He keeps moving forward.  He knows not of standstills.  He does not frustrate.  He does not dwell on mistakes.  He keeps moving forward.  The clock does not lose time.  He does not waste time.  He never quits.  He keeps moving forward.

It has been quite some time since I last wrote.  Life has a way of happening, no matter what.  And while it pulled me in directions I never realized I would end up going, here I am.  Rediscovering myself and my love for words.  In the moments where the words lacked, I learned.  And as the time moved forward, so did I.  Searching for words in new places.

2018.  Happy New Year.  Many people embrace the new year.  Counting down the minutes to a clean slate, making resolutions and promises to themselves and to others.  I learned something else this New Years Eve.  Staring at the clock reminded me so much of myself in everyday life, spending time standing still and watching the time keep moving.   Getting caught up in mistakes and things I have yet to accomplish.   But, I have decided to keep moving forward.  Pursuing the things that have done nothing but fill my mind.  Making the changes that have been nothing more than ideas.  No promises, no resolutions, no need to know where I am going just the desire to keep on keeping on.

Life is short, so they say.  Time is relative.  Make the time, take the time.  Don’t just watch the clock, be the clock.

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what’s in it for me?

Hello everyone! It has been a while.  Too long.   I have been thinking a lot lately, too much, in fact, about something that seems relevant in every aspect of life.  We know those famous words “do to others as you would have them do to you.”  But, how many of us actually practice this?

We have all done it; fallen victim to rumors, been part of the rumor mill, hopped on the gossip train, shit talked, been shit talked about, etc.  In 8th grade, there was a rumor that I stuffed my bra.  It’s funny looking back because I was flatter than flat chested.  But, the entire grade heard this rumor and the jokes were eternal.  It was traumatizing at the time and I ended up defending my AA-cup for a month and becoming quite a loner for a period of time because of it.  People can be mean and cruel and at the end of the day, rumors hurt.  This rumor was completely out of left field, and clearly began with mal intent.  Not all gossip works this way.  Sometimes, we just like to chat and in doing so, things can spread around that maybe are not meant to be.  Sometimes, things are overheard that shouldn’t be.  Sometimes, we say things in anger or frustration that maybe we shouldn’t.  Regardless, it happens and in doing so we may say less than nice things about people.  We may hear things about people and tell our friends.  People talk, and sometimes, they shit talk.  And, they also get shit talked about.  But, whether it is a false rumor or gossip that is true, the point stays the same:

“What’s in it for me?”  Really.  When we talk badly about others, what’s in it for us?  Momentarily, perhaps, you feel satisfied.  But feelings don’t change when we talk poorly about others.  In fact, we often feel hurt when others do it to us, so then why do we go back and do it to others?  There is nothing to gain by having others agree with you or validate your opinion.  It is better to be better.  It isn’t easy.  But, at the end of the day you will not like everyone and everyone will not like you.  However, there need not be a competition.   We don’t live our lives to satisfy others.  Just be the best you.  And the best you, isn’t the person talking badly about others even if maybe they talked badly about you.

I do not know

who I will be tomorrow,

or the next day.

I do not know

what obstacles

will be thrown my way.

My yesterdays

are filled with mistakes,

I must confess.

But now I learned

that each coming day

I will be my best.

 

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The pep talk

It’s ok to talk to yourself.  Somedays, when you’re alone.  I am not saying to go in public and have full fledged conversations.  This might not go over well with the people around you.  But, sometimes you just have to look at yourself in the mirror and speak… loudly.

I have heard that a good person can look you in the eyes.  Be the type of person who looks people in the eyes.  BUT, be even better.  We can hide so much of ourselves from everyone else.  The only person we cannot hide from is ourselves. So, be the type of person who can look yourself in the eyes.  No one is perfect.  There will be things we are not proud of.  That’s ok.  Accept yourself.  But be who you want to be.

We can all be better.  Sometimes, it takes a lot of work.  But there are always starting points.  When you do good, you feel good.  This is true.  So be better.  Say goodbye to the parts of you that you hide from everyone else.  Do you know why you hide these parts of you, shame.  And if you are ashamed for people to know pieces of you, then its not who you want to be.  So change it.

I went to this cheerleading coaches clinic over the weekend.  Because I am both a cheerleader and a coach.  If you do not know that, now you do.  Two things to be noted:

1)  I took a personality test and I am a strong orange and green.  I cannot really tell you what this means other than I am always late, spontaneous, have exceedingly high expectations, little patience and I am a go getter.  It is pretty cool, honestly, how accurate this little test is. And so, I am sharing it here so you can help to understand who you are:

https://ces-personnel.ca.uky.edu/files/true_colors_test.pdf

2) The quote that was given to us, I find extraordinarily relevant for EVERYONE  “There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others.  Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.”   In other words, exactly what I said above.  No one is perfect, but, if you aren’t happy with who you are, change it.  Overcome your imperfections to the best of your abilities.

I will tell you that I know for certain that change is possible within yourself, that it is important to accept your imperfections in order to be better, and that it is ok to have imperfections in the first place.  We aren’t robots.  We live and we make mistakes.  We learn.  We make decisions.  Sometimes the right ones and sometimes the wrong ones.  These are the things that shape us.  Sometimes, things we have no control over us shape us.  We do not get a say in these things but we DO get a say in who we become afterwards.

I am on a sugar high right now and typing like a madwoman and I am not even sure at this point if this post makes sense.  I slept for like 3 minutes last night, so do not ever judge the girl who relies heavily on sugar and caffeine.  A lot of sugar and caffeine.   You know those ridiculous Costco/BJ’s sized bags of sugar where you are like who the hell buys this much sugar, its 50 pounds, yeah, that’s me buying it…. weekly.   Anyway,  next time you stand in front of the mirror, pep talk yourself.  Decide how you can be happier with the person looking back at you.  Decide what they want or need.  Decide what they do that makes proud.  And, do not be afraid to look yourself in the eyes, and say goodbye to that person, if it isn’t who you want to be.

The flashbacks catch her breath

and the pain settles to her knees

she tries to catch herself

on pieces of memories.

She trips and falls over anger

and lands upon regret

crawls her way through frustration,

forcing herself to forget.

She reaches the corner of fear

and climbs onto her feet

but in the middle of sadness

she goes and takes a seat.

The time begins to pass

by day, then week, then month,

until one day this girl stood up

and finally had enough.

 

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“My insides are on fire”

Feelings. They are hard.  It takes practice to recognize them or identify them.  The first time I was asked to describe “how I felt” I had only 5 words to write down, “my insides are on fire”.  That was all I could recognize.

“Why are your insides on fire?”  I didn’t know.

Because I was angry at what happened to me?

Because I was sad at all that I had lost?

Because I was frustrated with the constant questions?

Because I was confused at what was going to happen?

Because I felt so much and yet the words escaped me.  The burning, the constant burning, was telling me something.  I just didn’t know what.  And it wouldn’t go away.

I needed help.  I needed someone to reach inside, and pull my thoughts out.  There were too many feelings most days and then none at all on others.  But there were never words.  I realize now, so many years later, that what we really need in order to stop the burn is to talk about it.  But, we often do not allow ourselves to let others listen or we feel like a burden to them.  We have to learn to find the words and identify and then break free of the feelings the burn inside us.  Sometimes, it takes asking for help and having someone else help us find the words.  That’s ok.

I usually have a purpose in my posts and I guess I am taking a long time to get to this one.  My blog is called “set your words on fire”.  This is not an arbitrary choice of name.  My entire journal/healing process started with the 5 words listed above.  My insides were on fire.  And they stayed on fire for years until I found all the right words to let them out.  I share those words with you now, setting them on fire instead.  But, I got a lot of help in order to be able to do this.  I still ask for help.  I have my go to, who knows who she is and usually knows when something is wrong before I am able to admit it to myself.  So, do not be afraid to find your own words.  To admit when things are bothering you.  To admit when you need help.  To WANT to help yourself because no one else can if you do not take those first steps.  In order to be free, be free of it.  Talk it out and set your words on fire, instead of insides.

It is as if this place forces riptides from my eyes.

Talking again, telling this story

as if this happens in library books.

It is like trying to explain

how to drain an ocean

or move a mountain.

And you don’t begin to know where to begin.

It would be easier to let them step inside

and make them see the fire burning,

singeing every word before it can be said.

But here I go again,

trying to speak and staring at the wall

to avoid looking in any faces.

“My insides are on fire,

and I need to make it stop”

 

 

 

 

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the chirping of the crickets

Silence is golden… or is it?  Because I have been left alone in silence for far too long with my own thoughts.  All the words left unsaid swarming around in my head.  It is deafening, the sound of silence.  And for me, it was the sound of the crickets that filled the emptiness.  Those damn crickets.  I had always cursed the summer nights filled with that annoying chirping.  I never thought that crickets would become the sound of comfort for me.  But, at some point I guess you take whatever you can to drown your own voice out.

It is an actual thing I never knew about.  It is called intrusive thoughts and it actually plagues a lot of people.  That inability to turn your mind off.  Its funny, we spend our entire lives trying to turn our minds ON; learn more, see more, do more.  And then, here I was trying to turn mine off.  If you have ever seen a slideshow, than you know how this feels.  Its those quickly switching pictures on those spinning reels.  It is really hard to defeat your own mind.

Get out of your own head.  That is the phrase I say all the time inside my gym.  I have come to understand that we all have these moments of trying to defeat ourselves.   Its tough not to get consumed by all the things going on in our own lives or around us and by getting consumed, we start to let these things control us.  Today I was reminded that sometimes we have to let ourselves freak out.  That we have to be able to give ourselves an outlet otherwise these things become locked in our heads and then they show up unannounced sometimes in the middle of the night.  Find your happy place.  Happy Gilmore found his happy place and that worked for him.  But do what works for you.  You have to let it out.  So, ask for help.  Phone a friend.  Write it down.  Cry.  Stomp your feet.  Scream.  Throw a tantrum.  Throw a book.  Read a book.  Blast the music.  Dance it out.   Whatever it is, do it so that when it comes time to turn your mind off, instead of listening to your own voice chirping, you will hear the crickets instead.

Burn bright, little girl, shine red

suppress monsters in your head

stand tall, lift high your shield

these wounds have not yet healed.

Place on yourself not blame

taste the bitterness of his name

find comfort in that which numbs

until tomorrow comes.

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Guadalajara?

 

A few summers ago, I went to Portland, Oregon.  Amazing place.  Anyway, I took this picture there.  A pretty cool sign randomly placed in the middle of a square.  I wasn’t the only one to stop and take a picture of this sign.  In fact, a woman there, probably twice my age was standing with her husband who couldn’t quite get the camera to focus and said to me, where would you go if you could choose?  Timbuktu? Casablanca? Guadalajara… what’s even there? (Obviously, I’d pick the Kangaroos, even if they are 8,003 miles away!)  But, why do we always need to know where we are going?  Like, why don’t we just hop in the car with no destination and started driving.  Because, that shits scary or crazy.  I guess it is human nature to ‘plan’.  I use that term loosely because we cannot really plan a life.  You can set goals or plan for what you hope will happen, but you cannot actually plan out your life, no matter how hard you try.  There will always be the unforeseen.  Expect the unexpected as they say.

I keep a planner with all my daily appointments and things to do.  It really is overflowing with reminders like “make dentist appt.” or “camo day at school”.  But, even in my “planner” I can only plan ahead a few months at a time.  So, why are we always trying to pave a perfectly lined road to our future?  Why do we always NEED to know where we are going?

The destination, of course, is important.  But what about all the stuff along the way.  It’s that “live in the moment” attitude.  If we are so focused on what is to come, we miss what is happening around us.

Its the little moments, really.  I mean sure, we focus on the milestones and the big goals and getting there.  But those little moments, they make the difference.  Like talking to a stranger about all the places she has seen and yet still wants to go.  The sporadic coffee dates with old friends or the day at the park with your kids.  These moments matter too.  And they aren’t REALLY part of the plan, not the big one anyway but they make for a happy life.

Maybe we don’t always need to know exactly where we are going.  Maybe all we need to do is learn to appreciate all of things along the way.  Enjoy life.  As many moments as you can without worrying what comes next.  Don’t plan, just go.  Because, you never know, ending up in Guadalajara might turn out to be quite the adventure.

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Dear Anonymous

Sometimes, we have to use the stones thrown by others to lay our foundation.  Sadly, people generally want to see you fail.  They are waiting, with popcorn, to watch as you perish so they can feel better about themselves.  Good people want you to succeed, great people help you succeed.  Unfortunately, there are also the people who want to bring you to your knees.  Don’t let them.

I spend each day trying to be better than yesterday.  I write for me.  Years of therapy taught me how helpful this is, although some might like to make claims that this is a cry for attention.  Accepting my past, that was hard.  Understanding it, that was even harder.  But speaking out about it, well this has proven hardest.  Attention, there is none of that here.  I have spared every last detail for my own comfort.  The truth is, what happened to me, that monster, I was not the first victim… but I was the last.  And so, I have learned that speaking out, IT IS what you do because IT IS the right thing to do.  And that, has nothing to do with attention.

And so….

Dear Anonymous, yes you, my little comment junkie.  While you stand faceless in the crowd, I am watching, from higher heights,  the one I have climbed to by overcoming the hardest thing I have ever faced.  And while you are biting at my ankles and the ankles of others to satiate your hunger for self righteousness, I will keep climbing.  Your opinion, it does not matter to me.  If it did, I would ask for it.  But thank you for offering it anyway.  And thanks for reading!!!!! I like that, like me, you have so much to say.  Next time, attach your name to it, because, after all, there is no power in anonymity and any satisfaction you may be feeling is undeserved and also unfounded.

There are many types of people in the world.  Those that stand alone, or together in groups, seeking betterment.  Those standing in bigger groups, battling complacency.  And those, ducking behind the crowds, trying to bring others to their knees to make themselves taller.  Help those around you rise, and you will rise too.  And, when the world allows you to blend in with the crowd and remain anonymous, dare to be brave and make the world know your name.

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calling in the dogs

I needed a search party.  I needed dogs to sniff it out.  I needed helicopters circling above.  I needed to find it.  And the more I searched the more I became frantic.  Where did I last see it? Where did it go? Would I ever find it again?  Maybe it was stolen from me or maybe it was just misplaced.  All I knew was that it was gone and I needed it.  Now.

Today is March 20.  The very next day after the day that my world stood still.  Proof that life goes on.  By the day and the week and the year.  March 20 or my first day on a quest for hope.

Hope is one of those things you can’t measure.  It is not quantifiable.  It is the one thing that is of great value even when it is but a single thread.  It is not a guarantee in anything.  It is a belief.  It is a maybe, a what if, a possibility.  But once it is lost, it is near impossible to find.

Hope.  It’s not one of those things you find hiding under the bed.  No, it disintegrates or evaporates and vanishes.  And then, just when you think its lost, it appears unexpectedly.  It hides itself in the most mysterious places.  It is that second glace.  It is the nod from a stranger.  It is the whisper in your head that says get out of bed.  It is that tingling in your legs that tells you to keep walking, just when you were ready to sit down.  It can be a smile, a hand to hold, and sometimes, it hides in the mirror and waits for the most needed time to stare back at you.

Hope and I, we are no strangers.  For the better part of 6 years, it was my lifeline.  The single thing that kept me going, and on some days, it was fleeting and left me silent and alone in sweatpants refusing to get out of bed.  But no matter how many times I was forced to call in a rescue party, it always found its way back to me.  And though I can’t tell you where to find it, I can tell you that no matter how long it has been lost, it can be found.

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The day my world stood still

March 19.  It’s just a day, really.  A box on a calendar.  24 hours.  1,440 minutes.  One sunrise, one sunset.  Or, if you are me, it is the day the world came crashing down around you.  The day that took the ground from beneath my feet and flung me onto my face. And then, left me there.  For a while.

I am proud of the person I have become.  I am no longer ashamed of my past or my lack of say so in it.  I am successful not because of it, but in spite of it.  Amongst this darkness, I found my own light.  But, every March 19, I cry and some other days too for no apparent reason.   Some days I wake up ready to conquer the world.   Sometimes I wake up with the weight of the world on my back.  I have learned to accept this.  I have learned this is ok.  I have learned that overcoming is rising from the ashes.  And rise, I have.

When I walk into a room now, you do not see the past I have overcome, just the person I have become.  I am not a victim to anyone, and I like it that way.  Nothing will ever be erased.  But, it will fade.  And I need this so I can just be Amy, and not that girl that this happened too.

Struggle comes in many shapes and forms.  The choice to overcome it, it is our own.  That is the purpose of all of this.  It is my hope that somewhere along the way, someone might read this story and know that it is ok to fall apart, as long as we learn to pick up our own pieces.  It is my hope that someone might realize that she is not alone.  That there are way too many of us out there.  It is my hope that someone might realize that what happened to her, does not define her.  That she might realize that the darkness does fade, every passing day, except on today.  I hope she knows that it is ok to have March 19’s.  That we do not ALWAYS have to keep it together, and that this does not mean we are still broken.  And I hope maybe my story will show someone that there are plenty of flowers in the garden that bloom from within the shadows.

In her eyes you could see a past

full of broken promises and fear.

She hid the truth inside her.

A secret world filled with things

we know nothing about.

Where time does not exist

and moments play

over and over and over again,

or, not at all.

But deep in her mind

lived a single day

that she revisited now and then.

And occasionally a single tear

struck her cheek

and in its reflection

you could see all her scars.

 

 

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Beauty and the Beast

Yes, I saw the movie and it was incredible, but that’s not exactly what this is about.  We know that confidence is the driving force behind achievement.  As much as others believe in you, you have to believe in yourself.  It is one of the most important, if not the most important, factor in success.  Confidence is beauty.  But it takes the beast to get there.

Strong women are built from the inside out.  We know this.  Lets first talk CrossFit.  It is much more a mental game than a physical one.  You have to be willing, you have to be determined, you have to be motivated mentally in order to put the work in physically.   The belief in yourself to be able to get through a workout, the push, the driving force, always starts within.  This applies to all things in life; time spent at work, even time at home.

Sometimes we get caught up in competing with each other and we forget that we owe it to each other to be one another’s #1 fans and cheerleaders.  We have to help each other find that confidence.  Empowered women empower women as they say.  So, we need to encourage this in each other.  We break the molds.  We defy those stereotypes.  We are our own source of power.  We are beasts inside the box.  We own it and embrace it even.  But, what about once we walk out those doors….

As I head into tomorrow, or the day my world stood still, I have to remind myself that sometimes, we have to “beast” it in real life.  I had to dig deep and fight.  I had to find the strength in myself I did not know existed.  I had to compile every last ounce of self belief.  And because I had to do this, I know it can be done.

I think we all need the reminder that no matter what “it” is, it can be done.  Once we believe in ourselves, we tend to get sh*t done.  So remember, the secret to life is being beauty and the beast… at exactly the same time.

I am a warrior, I do not rest.

I am a conqueror on a quest.

I am the present, I am the past.

I will accomplish, no questions asked.

I am the emperor, I take the throne.

I have no fear of the unknown.

I am a gladiator, I battle brave.

I am a hero ready to save.

I am resilient, I am tough.

I am a woman, I am enough.